Posted on May 16 2016
Summer fast approaches. Unless, of course, you reside somewhere in the depths of the Southern Hemisphere, in which case: winter fast approaches. And we're sorry about that.
Even if you're in a locale where the natural world is withering and dying and going into slumber, perhaps you still ought to read this article on warm weather clothing. It might cheer you up. Or it might make you so bitter you're willing to come to the Northern Hemisphere in order to fight us. But hey, at least you can enjoy the weather while you're here on your vacation of spite.
Summer means that it's time for shorts, swimsuits, breezy tops, and cute flats. It also means that it's time to head to a large body of water and take full advantage of one of the finest summer pastimes: lounging around and doing as little as humanly possible, except for maybe a little swimming and eating. In order to help you in your summer outings, we've carefully curated a perfect beach outfit for you.
Who loves short shorts? We love short shorts! We also love not overheating in the summer while still looking incredibly stylish, which is sometimes difficult to do.
You could, conceivably, keep dressing the same way you would on a chill fall or spring day. You could even wear a highly structured, full-length dress like an English lady from the late nineteenth-century (and such an idea will probably appeal to you if you have any interest in steampunk fashion), but we personally prefer to avoid heatstroke if at all possible.
Enter the ever dependable source of tattoo, pin-up and punk-inspired fashion, Sourpuss. Just check out these choices.
Want a little Pina Colada? They've got shorts for that. How about their sweet and sassy Luau Vixen Romper. It's a little bit beach-goer and a lot of adorable. These things will give you a bombshell figure and still keep you cool during the hot heights of summer.
When it comes to your top, it's best to choose something loose with an attractive drape. It will contrast well with the form-fitting Sourpuss shorts and, most importantly, it will facilitate airflow to help cool you down.
No one nails tattoo-inspired fashion quite like Sullen clothing. We recommend Sullen's Cross Skull Scuba Tank Top. Just because you need to go for something more light and casual to deal with the hot weather doesn't mean you can't still enjoy some black options. After all, black goes with everything.
Want more color to your ensemble? You can never go wrong with a tattoo-style tank top from Black Market Art. This America Racer Back Tank would couple surprisingly well with those Pina Colada shorts from Sourpuss.
There are so many cute shoe options out there for summer outfits. Frankly, we wanted to work TaylorSays's Jubilee Platform Pumps into this article somehow, because they are such perfect summer shoes, but, alas, practicality is a concern. Heels are not particularly great for walking on sandy terrain. But definitely consider picking up a pair of these pumps for your non-beach days, okay? Okay.
As for what you should wear at the beach, we recommend these Devil Lady Flats, also by the incomparable TaylorSays. It only seems appropriate to have something bright red and reminiscent of the Devil on your feet when you must travel across hellishly hot sand.
Now we arrive at the most vital part of your beach outfit: the swimsuit. As with all things summer wear, you can choose to go dark or light and cute for your style. If you're into the darker style then we have to recommend Muerta Rose Monokini by Sullen. The design on this swimsuit is particularly fab. She looks super pleased to have embraced the sweet release of death.
Need something more bikini beach with more color? Then you need this nautical beauty by Pinky Pinups. Their Stripe Two Piece Swim Suit is pin-up perfection and complements tattoos beautifully.
If you're headed to the beach, you're going to need a sturdy bag to carry all your beach-going accoutrements in: your towel, your sunscreen, your thermos filled with cold gin and tonic -- you know, all those elements that are vital for a good summer outing. We think that a simple tote bag works best, like the Faith Tote Bag by Liquor Brand.
There is probably something sacrilegious about a tatted up Mother of God. Her hands are hovering protectively around a sacred heart -- but wait, that's not a sacred heart, it's a sacred tattoo gun! Do you think you could get holy tattoo ink in a similar way to how you get holy water? If you got a priest to bless the ink used by your tattoo artist, would that make you invulnerable to vampires and other creepy crawlies that are frightened off by religious paraphernalia? That would be very useful for protagonists in supernatural horror movies.
Want more tattoo inspired pin-up tote style? Loungefly is your go-to. Stick with the nautical style by choosing their Hold Fast Mermaid Tattoo Tote.
Even with sunscreen, it's always a good idea to have a second barrier against the harsh rays of the sun. Frankly, we believe that parasols should be a ubiquitous summer accessory among all the genders. They're so useful! Plus, you can constantly be throwing shade wherever you go (that was a bad pun, but we're not sorry).
Both Sourpuss and Retro-a-go-go offer a selection of parasols, but we are particularly taken with Sourpuss's Lost Love Parasol. You can hide in its cooling shade while staring out to sea, wondering when your love will return to you. Make sure to sigh dramatically and lounge on your beach towel languidly while your cabana boy attends to your every whim.
A darker option is Retro-a-go-go!'s Garden of Evil Parasol. It's black as night with a wicked pattern to warn away the sun's rays. What's not to love?
Now that you are properly equipped for sunshine, sand, and waves, we demand that you go forth and have great summer adventures. Have a chilly cocktail. Work on your tan. Get in a fight with Poseidon. Just do whatever you do best at the beach.